I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
