I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
