Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
