Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
PANTIES FOUND
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