just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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