i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
