I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
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