when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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