we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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