ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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