you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
