I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
