I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
