I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
