He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
