I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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