look no pants
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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