His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
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