Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
