Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
