I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize