Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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