I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
