the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
