your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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