when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
