omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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