party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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