Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
