Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
