While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize