Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
