Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
