Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
