I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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