I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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