saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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