She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
