Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
