Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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