I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
