Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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