it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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