Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
