I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Randomize
