So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize