Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
