Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
