i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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