I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize