I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
