I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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