I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
