I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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