i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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