I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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