Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
