So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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