the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
