i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
