Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
