I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
